Breaking News! Settlement Reached!
It was a tough and long meeting last night, but it looks like The No Home Depot Campaign has worked out an agreement with The Home Depot. Thanks to everyone involved and just know this isn't the best agreement in the world, but it was the best we could do!
What We Got:
-The Store can only open after the morning rush hour is complete (9:30 am) and all the kids are safely in school.
-The Store must close between 1:30 and 3:30 pm to accommodate all the kids leaving the nearby school.
- The Store will close at 6 pm to accommodate all of the seniors that live adjacent to the property at Monte Vista Mobile Estates.
- All forklifts must be electric powered, and the "beep-beep" sounds they make when backing must be replaced with sounds of birds chirping.
- Contractors are restricted to purchasing a maximum of 3 2x4's per visit or 2 bags of masonry.
Only one visit per contractor is allowed each day.
-The tool department will be replaced with a socks and underwear department.
-The Garden Center will instead be a mini Target store.
-Diesel truck deliveries to the store will be restricted to one per day. All trucks waiting to make deliveries will be stationed in front of Rocky Delgadillo's home until it is their turn. Idling their engines while waiting is encouraged.
-The Home Depot will provide an on site attorney to process legal claims against the company
in response to all the inevitable accidents that will occur. Latham & Watkins Attorney, Cindy Starrett has been suggested for this role, followed by former City Attorney Peter Guiterrez.
-The Home Depot will be required to erect a monument on the property in honor of "Bad City Planning".
- Additionally, Home Depot must construct an amusement ride in a local park.
The ride will be called "The Backroom Dealer-Wheeler". No one that lives here can actually ride the ride, since Sunland-Tujunga is considered a "Special Interest Group", but employees of the City Attorney's office and Home Depot can use it as a meeting place when future deals need to be made.
-Brendan Huffman, CEO of VICA (Valley Industry and Commerce Association), a guy that has never seen a development he didn't like, will assume the role of Official Store Greeter. He must don an orange apron, and is only allowed time off when he must puff up before the City Council about how the City is going to collapse if we don't give developers even more say.
What They Got:
-On a rotating basis, residents of Sunland-Tujunga will be sent to Home Depot's corporate office in Atlanta for something called "Re-Education".
-Everyone will be required to turn in their "No Home Depot" T-shirts to the store manager and be issued an orange T-Shirt that says "Thank You Home Depot" on the front and "Resistance is Futile" on the back.
-All Sunland-Tujunga residents will be required to be paid "supporters" of Home Depot at other Hearings in other communities where Home Depot is trying to force their way in. Except you won't be paid (sorry, we fought hard on that one, but just couldn't make it happen). When you are needed you will be notified, and a bus will pick you up.
Remember to wear those orange shirts and most importantly,
No Communication With The Press!!
-I have been scheduled for something Home Depot calls "Recycling". Gosh, I haven't been on a bike for years!