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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

No Home Depot and Home Depot Strike Deal!


Breaking News! Settlement Reached!
It was a tough and long meeting last night, but it looks like The No Home Depot Campaign has worked out an agreement with The Home Depot. Thanks to everyone involved and just know this isn't the best agreement in the world, but it was the best we could do!

What We Got:

-The Store can only open after the morning rush hour is complete (9:30 am) and all the kids are safely in school.

-The Store must close between 1:30 and 3:30 pm to accommodate all the kids leaving the nearby school.

- The Store will close at 6 pm to accommodate all of the seniors that live adjacent to the property at Monte Vista Mobile Estates.

- All forklifts must be electric powered, and the "beep-beep" sounds they make when backing must be replaced with sounds of birds chirping.

- Contractors are restricted to purchasing a maximum of 3 2x4's per visit or 2 bags of masonry.
Only one visit per contractor is allowed each day.

-The tool department will be replaced with a socks and underwear department.

-The Garden Center will instead be a mini Target store.

-Diesel truck deliveries to the store will be restricted to one per day. All trucks waiting to make deliveries will be stationed in front of Rocky Delgadillo's home until it is their turn. Idling their engines while waiting is encouraged.

-The Home Depot will provide an on site attorney to process legal claims against the company
in response to all the inevitable accidents that will occur. Latham & Watkins Attorney, Cindy Starrett has been suggested for this role, followed by former City Attorney Peter Guiterrez.

-The Home Depot will be required to erect a monument on the property in honor of "Bad City Planning".

- Additionally, Home Depot must construct an amusement ride in a local park.
The ride will be called "The Backroom Dealer-Wheeler". No one that lives here can actually ride the ride, since Sunland-Tujunga is considered a "Special Interest Group", but employees of the City Attorney's office and Home Depot can use it as a meeting place when future deals need to be made.

-Brendan Huffman, CEO of VICA (Valley Industry and Commerce Association), a guy that has never seen a development he didn't like, will assume the role of Official Store Greeter. He must don an orange apron, and is only allowed time off when he must puff up before the City Council about how the City is going to collapse if we don't give developers even more say.

What They Got:

-On a rotating basis, residents of Sunland-Tujunga will be sent to Home Depot's corporate office in Atlanta for something called "Re-Education".

-Everyone will be required to turn in their "No Home Depot" T-shirts to the store manager and be issued an orange T-Shirt that says "Thank You Home Depot" on the front and "Resistance is Futile" on the back.

-All Sunland-Tujunga residents will be required to be paid "supporters" of Home Depot at other Hearings in other communities where Home Depot is trying to force their way in. Except you won't be paid (sorry, we fought hard on that one, but just couldn't make it happen). When you are needed you will be notified, and a bus will pick you up.
Remember to wear those orange shirts and most importantly,
No Communication With The Press!!

-I have been scheduled for something Home Depot calls "Recycling". Gosh, I haven't been on a bike for years!

Labels: , , ,

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said:

You have got to be joking!

March 31, 2008 10:52 PM  

Blogger Mayor Sam said:

No joke man, Joe and his team put a lot of work into those negotiations. It took three weeks and fifteen of Rocky's guys just to work out Brendan's new greeter job!

March 31, 2008 10:55 PM  

Blogger Joe B. said:

Working out Brendan's job was really tough, I've never seen a guy in a suit cry like that, but in the end everything worked out, and we feel this is a win-win situation for everyone.

March 31, 2008 11:09 PM  

Blogger Joe B. said:

Except for maybe Brendan.

April 01, 2008 12:10 AM  

Blogger Red Spot in CD 14 said:

Joe,
What about the deal to have Ed run the Day Labor Center with Red Spot teaching the illegals, errr, immigrant workers English??

April 01, 2008 7:32 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

You all are so gay. Get over it. It's a fucking store that will bring much needed sales tax revenue to the city.

Oh, I forgot. The MEXICANS will shop there!

Get with the times. NIMBYs days in L.A. are coming to an end.

April 01, 2008 7:51 AM  

Blogger Valley Doll said:

OH my gosh, Joe ... so funny!

It's a project, babe!

xoxo

April 01, 2008 8:21 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Oh, joy and damnation!

April 01, 2008 8:22 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Hysterical! Can't wait to shop in the socks and underwear department.
You guys crack me up.

April 01, 2008 9:30 AM  

Blogger Red Spot in CD 14 said:

Partnership with "BUTTHUGGERS R US" and "BRAS TO FIT ALL"

April 01, 2008 9:35 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Hey 7:51am.. you're a f""kin idiot. Don't you realize that proper development would bring jobs and tax revenue? Do you really think a Target like store, restaurants, book store, etc would be TAX EXEMPT? Do you really think they would be manned or wo-manned by ROBOTS? You must be a shill for Home Depot because no one could be THAT STUPID.

April 01, 2008 10:17 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

JOE...

You're a genius! This is so funny and so sad all at the same time.

April 01, 2008 10:21 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Mayor Sam shop's at Sam's Club incognito. Saw him checking out the camaras in Santa Clarita with three or four babes cooing in his ears.

April 01, 2008 11:42 AM  

Blogger M Richards said:

Our Home Depot in San Pedro has found the best way to handle the crowds in the isles is to make each isle one-way.

Folks may need to go through other isles to get to the one they want, but now since everyone is going in the same direction, it makes for smoother shopping.

The store has adopted an "all self-serve checkout system" that only accepts credit cards or debit cards.

The store has also provided guarantees that if you buy wood at that particular store, cut it too short, they will stretch the wood to fix your cutting error, as long as your cutting error is now shorter than 3/4 inch.

And yes, it is still April Fool's day!
www.rneighborhoodsare1.blogspot.com

April 01, 2008 10:26 PM  

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