Down By Law
Wesley, dude – two words for you and your lawyer, babe: Sheridan, Oregon. The federal pen there has consistently been in the Top 5 of all White Collar Crime Federal Prisons. Alan Ellis, co-author of the book The Federal Prison Handbook 2005, names other prisons noted for their lovely surroundings and quaint amenities:
Yankton, South Dakota. “A stand alone federal prison camp,” Ellis says. “A vanishing breed. These are camps that are not satellites to larger more secure institutions. It happens to be a converted college that went defunct. It’s in the middle of the town, not on the outskirts. There is a lot of community programming. People leave during the day and come back at night.”
Englewood, Colorado. “That’s outside of Denver,” Ellis says. “It’s a satellite camp to the federal correction institution there. I’m told by my clients that it is a pretty laid back place.”
Texarkana, Texas. “The federal prison camp there has a drug and alcohol treatment program,” he says. “It has a pond stocked with fish. And one of my clients said he liked to spend his day fishing.”
Pensacola Naval Base. “You get out during the day, you work on the Naval base, you intermingle with Navy personnel,” Ellis says. “The food is better. You are outside. I’ve had people who were taking care of the grounds at the admiral’s house. The admiral’s wife would bring out lemonade, invite the inmate in for lunch. Things of that sort.”
“If you are Jewish, I would say the federal prison camp at Otisville, New York, about 70 miles from New York City,” Ellis adds. “It has programs for orthodox and religious Jews. It has religious furloughs where people leave the prison for religious holidays.”
And if you, too, find yourself heading for a stay in a federal slammer, don't freak: the Sister City highly recommends, “The Ultimate Guide to Life Inside (and after) Federal Prison” by Mark Hrutkay. A self-proclaimed “Federal Prison for Idiots”-type book, you’ll find everything you need to know about life on the inside. The table of contents includes chapters such as: Before You Get In; Getting In; First Few Days; Procedure in Federal Prison; Communication With the Outside World; Your Life Here; Things You Shouldn’t Do; Spending Time on the Inside; and of course, Back to the Street. For more info, please visit fedsgotme dot com (no, really --that's the web address).Hard luck, indeed.
People... pay your taxes!