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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Haikula Responds, and Tells It Like It Is

Haikula thanks everyone for submitting questions in response to the "Ask Haikula Anything" entry posted yesterday. Like this photo, it may be a sad dose of reality, but Haikula responds to your questions tells it like it is.

Q. Is your "friend" really your lover?
A. Lover? What is this, 1972? I love my bloggin’ compadre, but I presently type on another’s keyboard.
Q. Where’s Mirthala?
A. I’m not sure, but she probably has a good grip on things. But seriously, as best as Haikula can tell, she is an on-air talent at 690AM in Los Angeles. They don’t mention what the talent is. You can read her bio at http://www.wradio690.com/staff.asp?id=558477. You can translate it into Engrish at http://translate.google.com
Ironically, Mirthala's station bio has the phrase “collateral damage” in it.
Q. Why did Jeannie’s sister (on "I Dream of Jeannie") wear blue?
A. She was the hot one.
Q. Did Tony Villar fly to Cuba and then try to cover it up?
A. If he did, it was on the city’s dime, the city’s time, and the LAPD in tow.
Q. What did Tony Villar do with those 80 fake Neighborhood Watches?
A. Nothing since the press conference.
Q. Will EAA prevail against SEIU 721's decertificcation effort?
A. Wishful, but doubtful. Maybe some "house cleaning" stipulation.
Q. Is Obama qualified to be President?
A. Given the limits of the question, the answer is no. He is highly qualified to raise taxes and expand entitlement programs. Pipe down, Licorice Stick: he is also qualified to protect Roe v. Wade. (How quickly you changed your opinion of Haikula! Trust your Haikula!)
Neither Obama nor Palin are "qualified" to be President. McCain, Biden, Romney, Clinton, and quite a few of the others, are. But McCain made a wise move for his campaign in choosing Sarah. Obama would be a slam-dunk winner if he chose Clinton.
Q. Higby, the answer to your second question depends on Haikula's answer to the question at 9:55. . . Is Haikula's female friend actually Haikula's partner in the Eric Garcetti sense of the word?
A. The question is moot, as Haikula has not identified her 'blogging compadre's gender.
Q. Is it true what they say about Blimmy Jackman?
A. Most people know Jimmy Blackman (I mean Blimmy Jackman) to be an a**hole. Oh, why bother parsing words? We all know he's an asshole.
Q. Why is Oprah a rasist pig?
A. I think we know how the homeschooling went.
But to get to your question, it is still acceptable for a person to be racist in the U.S. provided that the person isn't Caucasian. We all know this is true, but few are allowed to say so. And I write this as a person of color.
Q. My question is who's the angry guy who loses it everytime Sarah Palin is mentioned on this blog?
A. It is definitely not Valley Doll.
Q. Michael Higby said... Okay Haiku if I can't have you, how about a laptop?
A. Yvonne Elliman! Long time, no sing!
Q. Mayor Sam Higby hates straight people! You are an anti-heteroic and gender preference-ist.
A. Could you please phrase that in the form of a question?
Q. How should I vote on all those state propositions? I don't want to read all that and sort through the arguments and facts. I'm in a lazy mood.
A. I will tell you right before the election so you'll have to just trust your Haikula.
Q. Do you get paid to write for this blog?
A. My greatest compensation is the joy I get when I see the hits go up. It means you're either having fun with us, or getting angry at us.
Q. How come Liberals always threaten to leave the country if their guy loses? And how come they never follow through?
A. If you mean the Hollwood Liberals, it is because they know that as long as there isn't a Liberal in the White House, there is plenty of work available and the taxes are comparatively low.
If you mean the every day type of Liberal, it is because there is plenty of work available and the taxes are comparatively low.
Q. When is ICE coming to Los Angeles?
A. If the LAPD welcomes ICE the same way that it welcomes the DEA for marijuana clinic raids, it should be any minute now. Several hundred illegals and fugitives were picked up by ICE in Los Angeles last weekend.
Q. Good afternoon Miss Haiku (kisses hand and gives Haiku LA a dazzling smile):I have a question for you: Who is the person(s) who received a discipline memo for cooperating with the LA Weekly author and who signed said memo? (Winks) In other words, how many sots does it take to wield an axe, savvy?
A. Haikula speaks English, Portuguese, some Japanese and some Finnish. But I do not understand Swizzlestick or Pirate. Got that, Coffee Cakes?
Q. Haikula, can I have a laptop, too? I'm not fussy; I'll take either kind.
A. Is there more than one kind?
Q. Who the hell is Eddie Wonker?
A. Willie Wonka's brother.
Q. Here's one for Haikula- why would a woman want to be called "partner" by her man?
A. I think we all know the answer to that question.
Q. Can Walter Moore beat Tony Villar?
A. It depends on how dumb the people are.
Of course Walter can win. No one, if anyone, is going to throw their hat in the ring until early December. The longer this holds true, the better Walter's odds are. With Villaraigosa pledging up to a billion dollars more in affordable housing, but falling short on details, the more people are going to realize that he has been a fraud in the past four years, who intends to tax and bond us to death in the next four.
What is most evident about Villar's socialistic tendencies is his ridiculous plans to have the poor, middle class, and affluent classes living among each other. Social engineering is not going to accomplish anything, other than giving Walter another opportunity to expose Villaraigosa.
Others on City Council should not waste their time, energy and money running their vanity campaigns for Mayor this time. Not a one of them has a record worth running on. And if you think Villaraigosa has a tough time speaking at his own press conferences, try imagining how he'd fare in debates against Walter.
Watch Villaraigosa try to blame all of the ills he has created, or failed to improve, in the past four years, on Wall Street. He is trying to do it already. Villaraigosa mismanaged the City of LA into a major fiscal crisis, and is now blaming his own failures on Wall Street. What a hypocrite! We will see if the Mayor continues to try and play on the theme of "Change" when it comes to the greed, giveaways and gridlock embedded in his administration.
Since the financial crisis is a federal matter, will City Council President Eric Garcetti tell Mayor Villaraigosa that he needs to stick to subjects that are within the city's jurisdiction? Or do such rules apply only to the citizenry?


Anonymous Anonymous said:

Your answer to the last question might have stated the obvious, "What is most evident about Villar's socialistic tendencies is his ridiculous plans to have the poor, middle class, and affluent classes living among each other. Social engineering is not going to accomplish anything, other than giving Walter another opportunity to expose Villaraigosa."

The bothersome part of this, to put things mildly, is that there are lots of people who think the mayor has a good idea. Even more bothersome is the fact that many of these people are on the city council.

What's that they say,"There's no accounting for taste,"? That goes double here for Tony and his supporters when it comes to "judgment."

THAT is the only thing that Villaraigosa has going for him in his re-election bid. Keeping the masses uninformed and misinformed is his style.

We can only try working to be sure that the VOTERS who turn out ARE informed and ultimately ARE the majority. The city has withstood a lot of disasters, but nothing like the ongoing and costly one like Mayor Villarigosa.

(Latino)In L.A. 90041

September 30, 2008 7:40 AM  

Blogger haikula said:

Hi 90041,

What has now & forever changed, is that there will never again be a market for mortgages for people who cannot document their income and who have no assets.

Plus, given the new realities of the credit market, Villaraigosa's plan (like most of his plans), will evaporate after the press conference.

To paraphrase El Alcalde, "I love you each, I love you all, but I love it that you're even dumber than I suspect."


September 30, 2008 8:10 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Dear Haikula, this is classic! My husband and I have been laughing all morning over this post! Your writing style and great humor are much needed in this world of ours. Thank you so much for being such a bright light in our lives.

September 30, 2008 8:52 AM  

Blogger haikula said:

More than 200 unique blog visitors by 9am.

September 30, 2008 9:05 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

I have been forwarding a link to all my friends because this has become the best political blog in not only Los Angeles, but in California. Keep up the great work!

September 30, 2008 9:34 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

over 200 visits and no comments they all left in disgust.this blog is going downhill.

September 30, 2008 9:36 AM  

Blogger haikula said:

Admirers and detractors are all welcome. They just need to have the ability to click.

Trust your Haikula.

Let me do the thinking for you. Just like the Mayor says, except that I actually think.

September 30, 2008 9:55 AM  

Anonymous Captain Jack Sparrow said:

Good morning Miss Haiku (Removes hat and bows low with flourish):

For one that has such a learned tongue, it's a pity that one does not speak Swizzlestick, Pirate or, if you will, Gollywallop, for if one did it would certainly make some sots a tad itchy in their trunk hose.

(Chuks Haikula's chin in his hand and smiles a pitiful smile) Alas, darling, it would have never worked out between us. (Whispers in Haikula's ear) I understand all too well, my Bolo de Bebe. Perhaps if you learned to speak Swizzlestick or Gollywallop you would find more than just a few crumbs of information that have scattered about by careless sots. Savvy?

September 30, 2008 9:57 AM  

Blogger haikula said:

This comment has been removed by the author.

September 30, 2008 10:24 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

New ABC sit-com.............


Starring Captain Jack, Don Quixote and Joseph Mailhandler.

And TOM LeBONG as "Roper"

September 30, 2008 10:25 AM  

Blogger haikula said:

Pirate Pete:

You are too cloak & dagger for our tastes.

We have no desire to play Woodward and Bernstein.

Savvy enough for you?

September 30, 2008 10:26 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Higby looks like you're out of luck, Haiku is a woman who wears comfortable shoes. She likes the kitty more than the doggy.

September 30, 2008 11:05 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Absolutely hysterical, Haikula! Please do more of these!

September 30, 2008 11:13 AM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Witty and insightful, Haikula is by far the best writer Mayor Sam has ever had!

September 30, 2008 12:09 PM  

Anonymous joseph chapman the privateer said:

Ahoy thar, Lady Haikula! Methinks I may come to thy assistance, mayhap? Do not thou be fooled - Captain Sparrow doth be a man of letters an' great learning! Aye, he speaketh more languages than Ms. Rice, who abideth in yonder Washington town!

Methinks, Lady Haikula, in thy free time thou mayest place me name (an mayhap Captain Sparrow's name) in the MayorSam box an' search in the archives for mine postings (an' Captain Sparrow's anew).

As fer the alcalde of short stature who doth thinketh he be a genius, he truly hath not matured. Truly he thinketh hisself a schoolboy, mayhap he kisseth the girls an' maketh them cry?

September 30, 2008 12:50 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

I am literally laughing my ass off (LMAO)! That wonker/wonka line is like something we'd hear on Jay Leno! So funny!

September 30, 2008 1:23 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Methinks Captain Jack and Joseph Champan may have also bought a bong from Craig X Rubin.

Captain, Joseph here's hoping you sail a leaky barge straight to Davy Jones' locker.

September 30, 2008 1:26 PM  

Blogger haikula said:

Glad you're enjoying the effort compadres!

Tell your friends and neighbors that in these troubling days, and even on the good ones, just trust your Haikula. I've done all the thinking that needs to be done.

I'm here all day. <:-]

September 30, 2008 1:59 PM  

Anonymous joseph chapman the privateer said:

1:26, a nupson thou doth be!

September 30, 2008 2:24 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Haikula, I literally have everybody on our office floor laughing as I read this post out loud. Many of them are actually rolling around on the floor, they can barely contain themselves! So funny and such a cute idea with the Q&A! Keep it up!

September 30, 2008 2:30 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Hi Haikula, 8:52 here, I just got a call from my husband that he is filing for divorce for irreconciliable differences. I'm a little distraught because just this morning we were laughing about your post and now he doesn't want to be with me any more.

September 30, 2008 2:44 PM  

Anonymous anonydon said:

"over 200 visits and no comments they all left in disgust.this blog is going downhill."

That comment is precisely why Don Quixote is again nominated for Ass Clown.

September 30, 2008 2:45 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

I'm pretty sure 1:23 is David Letterman.

September 30, 2008 2:50 PM  

Blogger haikula said:

Why, thank you 1:23pm, 2:30pm, and the other earlier commenters!

We are glad that you are enjoying the format as much as the content! It just came to mind the other day that we are running around with Barack Obama this, and Sarah Palin that, that it was getting a bit stale, so let's open it up a bit.

A change of pace had to be done because god forbid someone say something good about Sarah or Barack, us included.

Sometimes you just hit on a fun idea. And sometimes you don't.

Your feedback put a big, post-stockmarket-meltdown, smile on our faces today and are trying to envision your having a good time with this and how you'll hopefully share some of these good laughs with friends.

We limit our communication with people to this 'blog, but you are welcome to drop us a note at bluestereo@gmail.com.

Anything written in code, or in pirate, will be deleted immediately. Sot? Savvy? Got that, lotus blossoms?

September 30, 2008 3:22 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

HaikuLA is Mayor Sam's Sarah Palin!

September 30, 2008 4:24 PM  

Anonymous bullwinkle d. moose said:

Eeny, meeny, jelly-beanie
Haikula is about to speak!

Yes, Rocky, she is a friendly Haikula!

September 30, 2008 4:45 PM  

Anonymous joseph chapman the privateer said:

Methinks ye hath confused mine language. Thou shalt not confuse mine English with the pirate tongue!

Thou knowest not mine English? 'Tis the forbear of thine own - I speaketh the tongue o' the great family o' Tudors - Henry VIII an' Elizabeth, his daughter!

Thou shalt not confuse a privateer with a buccaneer - we art not the same!

September 30, 2008 4:59 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Even though I'm not in the financial markets, somehow today became my last day at work. Haikula, it's me, the guy from 2:30 and, uh, I just got fired from my job because the people I thought liked me and were laughing with me reading your post out loud were actually laughing at me and mocking me to my boss who then called me a dolt and sent me packing. Well, at least I had a good laugh. I guess. Maybe none of it was really that funny. I don't know.

September 30, 2008 5:20 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

If you can't tell the difference between the people "laughing at you" or "laughing with you," you probably shouldn't be around people.

September 30, 2008 6:13 PM  

Anonymous One Who Knows said:

Of course there are two types of laptops, silly.

There are the electronic type, and there are the dances that Higby pays a lot of bucks for at the topless clubs in the Valley.

Come to think of it, I think I would prefer the latter.

September 30, 2008 6:16 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

8:52, 9:34, 11:13, 12:09, 1:23, 2:30, 2:44, 2:50 and 5:20 were all written by the same girl who has been yanking Haikula's chain for days now.

September 30, 2008 7:21 PM  

Anonymous city taxpayer said:

Wups, another city employee (2:30 & 5:20) got fired for frittering away the taxpayers time. Guess we taxpayers caught a break!

6:16, have you seen any city official (elected or appointed) at one of those places? Just curious.

September 30, 2008 7:57 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Yes, 7:21 (a.k.a. Valley Dip) and they are all YOU.

Yes, you really seem to have gotten under Haikula's skin. She doesn't exactly seem to be responding to most of them.

According to my own count, this blog has had more than 1,000 visitors since I started tracking the counter this morning.

U sit in the corner and think about how much of your own life you've frittered away today and "these last few days."

The joke is apparently on you, except that you're not yet aware of it. You obviously don't have children or, if you do, you're clearly ignoring them.

September 30, 2008 8:14 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

6:16 is someone from Granada Hills.

September 30, 2008 10:57 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:


When is the Home Depot opening in Sunland?

September 30, 2008 11:00 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Yah, it's great to see the angry Mayor Sam white boy/white girl mob (joined by a few Latinos who are pissed off that they not as famous as Villar) get mad about a proposal to make sure LA isn't totally segregated all the time.

That's "like it is."

October 01, 2008 7:29 AM  

Blogger haikula said:

Hello 7:29,

Yah. You are not only a day late and a dollar short, you also must be blind to not see that I am a woman of color.

You also can't read. LAUSD graduate are ye?

When you catch up on your reading speed, you can join the rest of L.A. on the latest posts.

Dum Dum

October 01, 2008 9:03 AM  

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