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Saturday, February 24, 2007

And The Winner Is . . . JANICE HAHN for "American Vacation"

Look out, Hillary! Look out Helen! L.A. has its own braniac woman politician who revels in taking on new roles. Her name is Janice Hahn or, as her undocumented fans call her, "Sister Janice."

Hahn's previous hits include "Dude, Where's My Alligator?," "Indecent Proposal 2: Two Bites for Two Million," and her tax triology, "Trash Tax Hike," "Tax Hike 2: Affordable House Party," and "Tax Hike 3: Gang Busters!"

Another hit is in the works. Sister Janice has just announced her latest production, "American Vacation," a comedic romp in which she and Chevy Chase play an American couple concerned about the supposed lack of foreigners visiting L.A.

In the opening scene, Janice and Chevy drive around L.A., marvelling at how wonderfully "foreign" it all seems, with the billboards and radio stations in Spanish, and the ballots in Persian. They wonder why more foreigners don't spend their vacations in L.A., especially since it's now more exotic than ever.

Then they hit on a crazy idea that just might work: "Let's form a COMMITTEE!," Chevy exclaims, as a homeless man approaches their car, a hybrid with a phony "handicapped" sticker on it. "No," Janice retorts, "Let's form a FEDERAL committee! That's the best kind!"

After that, the madcap action never stops. The couple drives to Washington, D.C., and discovers a part of the government called -- get this! -- the "Department of Commerce," which has already created something called -- hold onto your seats! -- the Office of Travel & Tourism Industries. A nice man there explains that the agency is spending as much tax money as quickly as possible to make sure more foreigners visit, includiing, for example, a new program to spend $3.9 million just to create a website. "Wow!" says Janice to Chevy, "Who knew that other people were already working on this same problem?!"

Janice and Chevy then go on to meet a variety of whacky characters, including an economist, Hack Heyser, who explains the effect of currency fluctuations on travel. Heyser tells Janice and Chevy that when people in Europe can't get as many dollars for one of their euros, fewer people come to America. Janice and Chevy nod, but when Hack leaves, Janice turns to Chevy and asks, "What's a euro?" Chevy shrugs. "I think it's that extra toilet in European bathrooms. I bet if we put those in our airports, more people would visit!"

The two eventually return to L.A. and find, to their surprise, that they're now the only two Americans in town. It turns out, foreigners were coming here the whole time. Mission accomplished, you two crazy kids! There's no place like home -- including home.


Anonymous Anonymous said:

LOL. Don't forget that while driving back to LA, Janice appropriately decides she needs another Cinco de Mayo outfit (and has no euros) so she dips into her taxpayer-funded office contingency account again for the 100 bucks. Then, of course, she holds a press conference to demand that the Cinco de Mayo dress makers earn a "living wage."

February 24, 2007 12:23 PM  

Blogger Zuma Dogg said:


You nailed it. The reason international tourism is down is "NO BADAYES" (or whatever those second mini-toilets are called.)

City Council should pass an ordinace requiring all airports, hotel and restaurants to install "badayes" (those second "side-car" toilets) to attract tourism AND will increase the value of Villaraigosa's toilet workers he sticks up for (instead of high-tech, high paying jobs at the payroll of quality industry -- like the ones that have moved out of the region because of your un-freindly business environment. (High cost of housing and traffic is a barrier to entry. See Deming "Out of the Crisis".)

February 24, 2007 12:43 PM  

Blogger Walter Moore said:

This comment has been removed by the author.

February 24, 2007 1:21 PM  

Blogger Walter Moore said:

Zuma, I can see the advertising campaign to attract foreign tourists now:

Mayor V will proclaim, "We clean your bidets!"

And we'll film commercials just for Australia, showing Angelenos greating each other with, "Bidet, Mate." "Bidet."

12:23 -- Good point! I forgot all about the vital public interest in buying festive smocks for Council Memberettes!

February 24, 2007 1:22 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Could the drop in international flights be caused by the fact that LAX is the worst airport to fly in and out of? Of that we want people to fly in to Palmdale and then take an fast train to LAX? The rule of thumb of most travelers is that when flying out of LAX give yourself another full hour because this airport can't figure out how to move people in an efficient manner. I've watched people in lines miss their flights as check in personnel take breaks leaving only one or two people to check in a line of hundreds. LAX is LAX!! that's why people would rather fly to SF!

February 24, 2007 4:39 PM  

Blogger Walter Moore said:

Here's another reason the number of people flying into LAX is down: the number of people flying into the United States altogether is down.

According to statistics from the Commerce Department (url below), the number of people flying into the U.S. was 41.1 million in 2005, and 39.8 million in 2006.

So traffic's down overall, y'all.

2005 URL:

2006 URL:

God, I love the internet!

February 24, 2007 5:57 PM  

Anonymous Anonymous said:

Very funny Walter. Could the reason be why tourists aren't coming here is we have a clowncil that has embarrassed, humiliated and has gotten more negative publicity then any other group at all levels of the media nation wide? Just think of all the high profile issues these clowncil members screwed up on. Add to that they support illegals. There is no leadership, no guts, no brains and creative ideas to help this city with this pathetic group.

February 25, 2007 8:16 AM  

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