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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Downtown News Jon Regardie's Fourth Annual City Hall Halloween Parody

Is that the "Valley Greuel" in the moon light? Graphics via Downtown News.
Its Year Four of Downtown News Editor and "Scribe of Wit" Jon Regardie's City Hall Halloween musings and this years edition will treat you to a chuckle at the expense of the politicos at 200 Spring Street. We bring you two excerpts below.
If the Suit Fits: You turn a corner. You're out of breath. You see a male figure far down the hall, just outside the mayoral suite. The figure senses you and turns, and even at this distance you can tell it's wearing a fantastic dark suit. You relax and the utterly gorgeous suit floats forward. Floats? A moment later you see a huge toothy grin. But where's the rest of the face? And why does it suddenly smell like Listerine Breath Strips? You hear a moaning "Ohhhhhhhh." The resplendent suit floats closer in a billowing manner. Billowing? When it's five feet away it stops. "Ohhhhhhhh." Suddenly you realize the truth: The suit is billowing because it's empty! "Ohhhhhhhh," moans the empty suit with the pretty teeth and the nice breath. "Ohhhhhh-bama is my friennnnnnnd." You flee. 
Female staffers and lobbyists beware ........
Z Marks the Spot: You're woken by a rumbling sound. Down the hall is a man on a Harley Davidson with a big Z on his chest. He rides up to you. "How you doin'?" he says in a tone that sounds like a pick-up line, which is strange, because you know City Hall is a place where people work solely to make the city better, and definitely not for dating. "Wanna see my third district?" he intones over the rumble. "That doesn't make any sense," you respond. "I'm running for Controller, and I'll show you an audit," he says. "That doesn't make any sense either," you say. Suddenly the reason for the comments dawns on you - it's Dennis Zine, and he thinks you're single! Run away! Run away! 
Happy Halloween!!
Scott Johnson in CD 14

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